Some advice for a teenage dirtbag....

I had a birthday yesterday, celebrating my 24th year.... I'm not going to start bleating about being old quite yet, as I realise getting a year older at this stage in my life hardly means I've been handed a one way ticket to granny's ville. In fact, yesterday morning, as I was giving myself an hour long birthday preening effort (it does take a tad longer now... or at least it takes longer after the 3 day pre-birthday celebrations I've indulged in over the weekend) I turned my music up to lift my mood to birthday appropriate level, and what was my first song of choice? Wheatus, oh yes, 'Teenage Dirtbag' - who I had the pleasure of watching LIVE for my 14th Birthday treat when I embodied the title of the song in every innocent 14 year old way possible (using the term 'watching' very lightly here... I was concentrating more on flinging myself about the place in the most serious 'into the music' way possible and 'crowd surfing' over about 20 other teenage punk-wannabes: consequently feeling over-ambitiously badass)

I couldn't help wondering what my 14 year old self would have made of the girl I am now as I turn a year older. Without sounding excessively 'sob sob' over this, I'm sure there would be a few small disappointments to be had by my adolescent predecessor, so I'm jotting down a few pointers to send back in time as a birthday gift to grimey-pigtailed teenage self....

YOU

DOC BROWN

1) First off, I'm sure you must be very disheartened to see that my hair is a perfectly natural, normal shade of brunette. I realise that whilst it is 'well lame' that after finally gaining bundles of adult freedom I have not permanently embraced the allure of shocking pink, green, or dreadlocked hair, I have made a good few attempts at radical do's, only to find that the constant abuse resulted in an eerie resemblance to The Doc from back to the future (hair which is even more uncontrollable than an kid at a Wheatus gig) Also, please realise that whilst your female idols may currently include Courtney Love and the girl with a million piercings who works at 'One Legged Jockey' (the only shop in rural Chichester where you could purchase flared trousers so wide that you could fit three of your friends, each smuggling a bottle of Hooch inside) you will one day discover a love for the shiny, radiant Olivia Palermo, and endeavour from then on to achieve some semblance of willowy grace and tanned limbed perfection. I'm not sure how well this is going at the moment, we're still working hard at reversing some of the damage caused through the teenage years... cheers for that, by the way.

GRACE

DISGRACE

2) DO NOT leave your backpack lying around so that Jessie can find it and Tip-Ex: "Suzie sucks ****s" on it in Year 10. For one, this is untrue, and is not a nice way to be portrayed, and secondly, your parents will go  frickin' mental at you. As I recall you actually get grounded and have to miss at least one school disco. Bad times Suz - AVOID.

I HAD A SHIT FILA BACKPACK BACK IN THE DAY - SPORTSWEAR WAS STILL KIND OF COOL AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NAUGHTIES. IT TOTALLY DESERVED TO BE DEFACED THOUGH...

3) For God's sake, don't be such a bitch. You'll realise around the age of 20 that you were a little bitch during most of your teenage years, and you won't feel great about it. Girl's are bitchy, it's ingrained in our weird, mysterious psyche somewhere, so there will undoubtedly be a few hiccups and fall outs during your school uniformed years, but this does not mean you have to be on high alert for it 24/7 and react like viper at every opportunity. Cut out this along with the stupid competitiveness, especially when it comes to boys - they mostly end up being utter disappointments anyway and certainly are not worth the effort- it should be Sister's before Mister's I'm afraid: girls will teach you far more than any nose-picking boy will. In short, work hard and be nice to people, and you'll feel a little prouder of your former self once you reach adulthood.

4) Everything will be fine. I'm sorry to say, there are a few earth-shattering, disastrous moments ahead which are going to trip you up and kick you in the face and which no amount of warning or advice will be able to prepare you for. You're tougher than you think, you have priceless friends and you will eventually be happier than you ever could have hoped, I promise.

5) Finally, you bag yourself a job in fashion buying almost straight out of uni - wooo-f*ing-hooo! 

NOW START APPLYING FOR NEW JOBS A COUPLE OF MONTHS IN. 

Two words Sugar, recession and redundant. (You may now wish to refer back to point 4...)